A Bitter View

Well I got my grades for the semester. And they weren’t as bad as I thought. Although I got a C in My Television Production class so now im placed on academic probation since I have to maintain a B average to stay in graduate school. I have no doubt that I can get that back next semester.

The hood I’m in is plotting against me telling the cops that im a drug dealer. Aint that some shit? I guess they realize who’ve been letting people know about the shady mess that goes on. The officer that approached my home I offered to let him in and take a look to see if I have any illegal drugs around for distribution. He told me he believe me since no dealer would offer a cop up front to do that.

I took my bro’s Friend home and help him out with his computer. Since I was around 82nd & Cottage Grove I decided to take a look around my old block that I grew up in. I might as well say it’s no better than the hole I live in now. Seeing it all brought back memories. Those memories are the reason why I didn’t really look back when I left.

A brotha’s hooked on Jade Empire for xbox, 2 of my favorite genres in one game.

Well peeps might find this funny but fuck it since its the type of shit im working on changing this is my first step. Today is the first day of the summer semester of my college. I didn’t want to go to school for this semester but I wouldn’t make money without going to keep my bills paid. Now that the irony is out of the way, to add on to my antisocial megalomaniacal personality my lack of controlling my flatulents also adds onto my not getting lucky in the female department.

Today one of the regular chicks im familiar seeing a lot with one of the most sexiest, seductive D.S.L.’s I’ve never seen on a broad asked me for help on the computer station she was on. After staring hypnotized at her tasty D.S.L.’s the entire time I went over to help her. Now it was bad enough I threw on a damn T-shirt that's wrinkled as hell. I wasn’t anticipating her being here this semester (Yeah I know, no excuse). As I approached her I felt my ass inflate with Vitamin F due to the bag of bbq chips I ate. I said to myself “nigga PLEASE don’t let one go in front of this dime” but my ass was like “Ah can’t Help it! Ah’m Gonna Blow!” Luckily I was able to use my ass muscles to let out one simple quiet 1 second poot. Now the tactics came in trying to hide this smelly fart. What did I do? I tried to intercept the aroma by sitting in front of her and waving my wrinkled shirt in the direction to push it away. I’m not sure if that did the trick. Either way I’m not getting her number anytime soon. Nice D.S.L.’s though...

At the lab today a lady wanted me to tell her about USB drives since alot of computers nowadays are giving floppy drives the boot. I helped her out as best as I could and then she asked me what does USB mean. So when I told her, she replied "like a Bus huh?" it took me a minute for it to hit me but I got it. USB > BUS duh...

Detective Comics steppin to the new millenium with the new logo.

I neva knew what I was getting into, seeing the book and peeping the articles has got on my nerves. I'll share it so here's my experience.

It was a dope crib in one of the best neighborhoods near downtown and next to Whitney Young High school (one of the cities best looking H.S. cuties of all races and one of Kells most famous lurking spots b4 the trouble.) I parked across from the school and walked into his home. He had a very nice crib and it was definitely bigger than it looked from the outside.

My cousin was his assistant and “he” Personally gave me a call because my cousin told him of my web skills. He wanted a multimedia designer, something to help him design flyers to go into clubs directly at men to promote safe sex. The prototypes of the flyers were cool with a simple message to beware of: “He has Eyes for you… and HIM” I flipped it over assuming it was just a postcard but to surprise and disgust was a pics of a dude putting on a condom completely naked. I wasn’t trying to see some dude’s shlong. Immediately flipped it back over.

He sat me down and kicked a little game about what he was doing and how I could help him. He instantly said he didn’t know how to approach it so he’d just come out and say it regardless how I feel. He explained his book and the reasons. I was taken aback it was something I didn’t know that went on but the main thing that went through my head was…”How and Why does he know so much about this mess?”

He emphasized how it’s a lot of these thugs out here that keep their image on the low at the same time get into that shit. He brought in a sketch of a dude chillin on a corner wearing nothing more than jeans and Tims. He asked me what is it about him do I noticed the most. I couldn’t tell him. I didn’t want to tell him. I didn’t even want to look at all man it’s a duuuuude! I just told him he got his damn shirt off on the corner. Of course that wasn’t the answer he wanted me to give him. After I told him I give up he said that the main thing that you should’ve noticed is “Dude is packing major dick” This is another prototype that he wanted to put on Tees and promote his web site(s) to get those dudes interested. Man, I couldn’t handle it. I questioned myself and my damn cousin for even referring me to him. After that was over I said shook hands with him and said lata to my cuz.

Now despite my view on the subject I went and decided to go outside the box and make a couple of flyers. I researched gay personal sites, culture magazines articles and gay porn sites. I didn’t like it but I got through it. I emailed him the results and made copies to show him in person. After he saw them he told me I wasn’t what he was looking for; deep inside I sighed relief. I truly felt the same way as he did.

Now the man is Big for this particular subject, going on shows all over and his book has just gone to paperback. I flipped the back and it was then that I realized why he knew so much about this subject.
Thats a area on the low that isnt for me.

My New Addiction

1. Had to stop 2 fights today both were involving 8th grade girls about to graduate in 2 weeks loosing their minds.

2. I hate to admit it but its the summer and a brotha is getting lonely.

3. My school’s book vouchers are now gift debit cards. I was expecting cash. I still used it to buy my books online.

4. My car’s Check engine light is still on after repairs. I need to reset the computer and tell it everythings okay.

5. Never buy 25pk of DVD-R’s for 5.99. They wont even work.

6. I really have to clean up my place.

7. A security guard who visits the lab a lot is now preaching to me every chance he gets about christianity. His views on other religions as “Cults” offended me.

8. Common’s Be – Smooth ass beats, raw rymes.

9. I was about to install my specialized Kubrick template on this blog but the instructions are now gone. I printed them out months ago but I believe I threw them away.

10. I need a new DVD player for my room. A JVC has caught my eye.

11. I never knew playing on the xbox online would be so fun. Especially when im getting killed all the time.

12. Note to Self: Never do business with my mother again. and stick to it.

Adding the latest Windows updates.

I should’ve never done it with out research. Now seeing what happened to my comp im pissed. The fucked up part about it is that im not sure which part of the updates did me in. I realize I’m stuck now with a new computer that I built that reboots even before it hits the loading screen. The repair doesn’t work so my only option left is to reinstall Xp on my desktop. I’m scared. I Know better not to totally reformat the hard drive but at them same time the warning I get that it will erase all files and programs does not make me feel good at all. Reinstalling all the programs I use is a damn pain in the ass. And I don’t want to go through that again; especially since I haven’t backed up anything. My last option is doing what I’m dreading the most. Woe is me…

Lets do something new.

If your life up to date were to have a soundtrack what songs would it contain? How many would it have? Double or one disc? I take to myself as a diamond with many facets representing my moods. So for one of two of those I put that into thought and broke down 10 songs (so far) that motivated me. So in no particular order here are some tracks that I felt keeping me going through out my life. Maybe you’ll relate.

Tracey Lee – Living on the edge

This particular track was my introspective song. The sample was a slowed down Isley Brothers beat which im not sure which one it was; anyway If you haven’t heard it Tracey basically breaks down his life and how he’s barely made it through everything. It reminds me of how my mother describes my years through school as a straight “D” student. The hook is the most memorable part of the song for me because I can recite it in my sleep. “I’ve walked on Ice, but neva fell/ was livin the Trife life but I neva fell/ It seems I’m headed for hell for ways like this/ It’s like that ya’ll Livin on da edge”

Redman – Tyme 4 sum aksion

When I was ready to break shit, Punch Bitches titties off. Etc. This was my firestarter. Red basically put what I felt into words or when I was ready to get geeked I blasted this.

Puff daddy ft. Biggie – Victory

The name basically fits my mood when I ever felt On top of the world and nobody could fuck with me. It builds up into something spectacular for me and still does. This track is also a type to get me geeked to.

Rolls Royce – Wishin' on a Star

I’ve loveded (yeah, I said loveded) this song since I was little and the first time I heard it riding with my father. This track gives me hope something that I know I don’t have a lot of time for. I have to say Beyonce and the Cover girls did nice redos but in my eyes it doesn’t beat the original.

New Edition – Boys to men

Back in the day most brothas in my vicinity wanted to be like NE. I felt this track is one of my favorites because it speaks to the brothas like me and in some way without having to rap or cuss telling all the black men who listens “We going through the same things” that means a lot to me. Johnny Snapped on this one, joe

Nightcrawlers – Push the feeling on

Being a Chi-town native the sound of House is in my blood. This song represent the gotta get up and get out kinda vibe. So the hook is very repetitive but that isn’t a real problem in my view. To my life I’m still not sure what the dude is exactly saying either.

Royce da 59 – King of kings

The thunder comes in and a voice begins “I wake up… and I don’t know where I am…” The first time I heard this I know it was gonna be one of my favorites. No other track had 3 elements I loved. Inspiration beat to get geeked to. Royce snaps on the lyrical tip giving a perspective on a religious type of flow.

Slum Village – One Time ft. Pete Rock (original)

Hell it was hard to pick the exact EsVee track that I would always go back to. And next to ‘Players’ this is the next best. This is a get ya ride on at night kind of track. Many times have I cruised to the north burbs on the expressway just to bob my head to this. It fits me perfectly.

Michael Franks – Your secrets safe with me

What you say? Who the fuck is that? Well let me edumacate ya a bit. Mr. Franks is an Acid Jazz Artist. This song stays in my head mainly because of how my father rocked it when I was little. It grew on me as well. Even though if you heard it would belong on a lite easy listening station. It represents my trustworthiness. I never knew what it was but when people got to know me they wanted to share their problems with me. Since I’m a quiet guy I come off as a great listener.

Mary J. Blige – Be Happy

Yeah I’m surprised to have MJB in my list as well. This song represents my internal goal to find the piece of me in myself to become happy and build my esteem. Plus it’s the one Mary track I can listen all the way through without changing.

There's a taste. Well enough about mines. What’s yours? Something to think about or consider. I’ll post more in a few.

**To Be continued Soon**

My Windows Xp was reinstalled. Which wiped out 90% of my programs like I figured. I’ll have to break out My Pc Relocator again to save time.

Man its funny, now that summer’s here dude act up. What I mean is that im now getting calls for help with their computer. When I was free, nobody was thinking about my ass. Irony at its best I say. I’ve been teaching during the day and going & working at school at night. Now I have little time to do much else, let alone the energy at least till the weekend.

Associate #1 - A friend of my brothers to help out problem solving his computer. I’m only able to work on it on weekends but I told them I’d do it to help them save money. I consider it my Pro Bono since I want the experience. Evidently dudes be impatient and now wants his computer back claiming it doesn’t take that long to fix one. That is true but at the same time in the words of Butthead “Hey, It was Free Asswipe!” If homey wants to spend big bucks to get it done he can get it his self.

Client 2# - A friend through teaching asking me to help her out in removing “viruses” from her comp which is most likely Spyware. She asked me for help in front of the kids which sounded too suggestive and the kids ate that shit up.

Her: Tell you what? Why don’t you come over and come see it, I’ll be home all weekend.

Me: okay!

Them: ooooooh! Fer Real Mr. Smith?!

Me: Shut it up.

Client #3 – I’ve been waiting on this dude to call. It seems like he’s hunted me down. Which is just as well we had to connect eventually to finalize shit. I had his domain name for the past few years and told him I’ve been renewing it to save it from squatters. When he reached me we agreed he would reimburse me for the 2 years and I moved the domain account into his name. One solved.

Client #4 – I got a call from them asking me about an email wanting $95 bucks or their service will be shut off. I never sent that and because the school faculty were getting the same type of emails. I told him to just delete it and don’t open it.

Client #5 – My cuz is trying to get his site back up and running and his boy is gonna hold it down till I have time to create it. He needs FTP access and we’ve been playing tag with the phone for a while even on our messengers.

So that sums up 5 potential clients. Two im gonna collect from hopefully, and the others are in the air. Whether time allows me to help them out remains to be seen. On the real I feel like I’m letting a lot of people down for some reason and that’s one of the main things I loathe to do when people depend on me.

Y’know this subject is something that’s cool to have yet. When you’re not doing what others want the questions get tiresome. I was born with good jeans. I’m tall and I can’t change that. I also cant change the 4 word sentence that everyone always ask’s me that every tall man is sick to death of hearing.

Do you play basketball?

Man, I get so damn tired of hearing this. Ya’ll just don’t know. Don’t get me wrong I love my height I hate the stereotyping that comes with it. I’m black and tall so automatically I HAVE to play B-ball. I should. Play B-ball. I should be in the NBA. I should be making all the money that the players make. I should be in the spotlight. I’m supposed to play it. I was built for it.

BULLSHIT.

Let me tell you, the reason I stopped doing sports was because of the pressure of others. I’ve been even threatened to play. I still refused. I used to have love for the game. I played sports at school I was even in extracurricular activities back in grade school. When puberty struck I realized I had no interest to play. This upset my moms but I could care less. I had to do me. When she realized I wasn’t gonna play ball again she bribed me into playing. I stuck at it for a while but eventually I left it. I didn’t want to be apart of it at all. I hated that I was categorized into being a player. I admit when it came to playing actual basketball my skills were less than everyone else. I’m not even gonna lie, I sucked. My coordination was slow and I just wasn’t aggressive enough. Hell, everytime I tried to play I would end up in a fight. It would happen because someone didn’t like how I played or what I was doing. I was being pushed around and when I pushed back dudes tried to test me. I wasn’t a fighter either so I backed off every time. The nail in the coffin for me to give up playing was the realization that I couldn’t dunk. It used to be embarrassing. To the point that when people asked I would say yeah but in truth I couldn’t at all. Y’see I have small hands with slender fingers. I could never palm a basketball. I tried many times. I wanted so bad to do this and maybe encourage the love of the game within me to continue but no avail. I knew some NBA players to use the power dunk technique and tuck the ball into your wrist when you dunk, that shit never worked neither. The shit was discouraging because I wanted to be something that everyone wanted yet I didn’t know what I wanted myself.

My uncle is a vice principal and head coach of a well known school here in the city, He told me to come out and learn some b-ball moves if I was interested. At the time the school was located in the Altgerald Gardens. This is one of our ghettos on the south side I grew up there since most of my relatives lived there and I visited during the summer when I was little. Getting back to the subject, my uncle gave me a ball and taught me some moves to start on and I did. It was also the same time I met up with the basketball team he was in charge of. They were all taller than me and looked at me like I was the shorty. I can say that was one of my first times ever being intimidated by my own peers. Any way while I was doing my exercises, my uncle told me to work with one of the teammates. We did a couple of exercises together all the while he asked me questions.

Most of them were minor but the main one that stuck in my head was the simplest one. “Why you doing this and is it for yourself?” That shit blew me for a loop. I knew it wasn’t for myself it was to make others happy. It was to put my height to use the way they all wanted me to. It was around that time as I passed the ball to him he took it and cupped it under his arm and we took a walk around the gym. He let me know if this wasn’t for me then I shouldn’t be doing it. He was adamant in letting me know that in his own words “Man, the ghetto needs more brothers in otha stuff besides basketball and rapping.” I soaked in every thing he was spitting. I think it was the fact that he was coming from a low class neighborhood for him to say those things surprised me since I always thought this was in their view the way out. I read between the lines that if there was another outlet for him to do he would. I respected that. I thank that brother to this day. I haven’t played a lick of ball since.

My moms asked me if I want to see my baby brother's new apartment in Tinley Park with his New girlfriend. After hearing what he said about my place saying it smells, I told her i'm not gonna do it. He doesnt stay at my place but for one minute then leaves. Call me a hater, jealous whatever. I could care less. Respect my shit the way I would respect yours. Nobody makes you more pissed than your own family, but theyre gonna find out how real I am when i'm gone.

Its like a Cow's ass just appeared in my face and started shitting. Not only am I trying to shake off & avoid my cousin from trying to shack up with me (after not talking to me in years? Hellz no!). My moms and bro still complaining about my place. All my female friends are going through their period (where they have to get a man in their life for the summer). Grade school is over (tank gott) and my only source of income for 3 months will be my compluter lab job. The lack of job finding and bill collectors on top of other BS situation can really tax a brotha. While i get off my laurel and find solutions i've found a personal temporary piece maker.

~ To alchohol the cause & solution to All of life's problems. - Homer J. Simpson.

If it wasnt for my can of Sparks every night id go more nuts than I already am. There was never a need to be a lush the time is now.

~ I aint a alchoholic, I'm a Drunk. Alchoholics gotta go to them Cotdamn meetings! - Robin Harris

My all famous line when I tell folks that I drink more to cope. Its still in moderation and I hit the hay after im finished.