A Bitter View

Fugga resolution because there never followed. Instead I create plausible goals for myself to help focus upon the New Year.

MONEY
I will start a savings account for myself.
I will try to pay off all my small debts under $1000 by the end of the year.
I will get my certifications to help my career.
I will finish what I started and get my masters.
I will sell all the books, toys and movies I do not want, need or use any more

LIFE
I will try to designate my weekends and holidays as eat whatever the fuck I want.
I will try to eat healthier during the week
I will try to get more exercise in during the weeks
I will try to leave the house more and go to get-togethers and parties without the fear of it being my last.
I will try to spread positivity toward people around me and at least say hello more often.
I will try to no longer give my opinion and advice unless someone asks for it.
I will try to care about my appearance more inside and out.
I will try to keep my Place tidier.
I will try to seek out what’s happening in my city and when possible become apart of it.

LOVE
I will try to lower my defenses to let a female into my life.
I will try to not assume every lady who wants to be more than a friend to me will hurt me mentally and/or financially.
I will try to lower my standards and realize the woman i'm after ultimatly doesnt exist.
I will try to seek a lady for how she treats me more than how she looks.

Notice how each line starts with "I will try" becasue thats the realness in me to make sure that they get done with no guarantees. Now to put them in action...

Looking at the G4 tech X-Play’s best of ’05 one of my favorites made the list which was The Warriors by Rockstar Games. With no more than a few sentences the game was summed up as “The Fun of Gang-banging”. I was watching it with my brother and the first thing that he says after hearing this is “But they don’t use guns!” I tried to tell him that since it was the 70’s Bats & knives can fuck you up or kill you just as much as a gun. That opinion didn’t help change his view at all. I remember visiting my uncle (R.I.P.) in the hospital from getting a beatdown from BD’s w/ bats. Man, it was a scary site. It was like they broke all his limbs and continued till every thing was swollen but his face. Seeing shit like that was enough to stay straight; besides eventually the streets would’ve ate me alive had I stayed in the same neighborhood to this day. It’s also weird to me that he believes just because you packin it’s instantly gang related nowadays. I wonder if he ever was able to see The Education of Sonnie Carson (which I saw once) would that change his view? I guess with all the drive bys you hear and see in the news why wouldn’t you believe? I guess because born, raised and living in the chi, it’s been said your one degree short of gang-banging. Either you have or know somebody that is. I don’t believe that’s all true but at the same time I can’t deny it. It all comes down to a generation difference.

Just a random list:

• Racism & financial status goes hand in hand
• Most types of popular music aren’t created for adults these days, or the intelligent for that matter.
• I’m tired of putting up with bullshit and my tolerance lever is lowering.
• My lust for thick light skinned women is my true preference.
• I do not have to keep seeking for a higher paying job to handle my debts all at once.
• Deactivated Cell phones can still be used for emergencies by law.
• Procrastination is my best friend.
• You never know how someone truly cares about you till their upset for something you did.
• I get so pumped from listening to music at times I wanna cry and break shit at the same time.
• Some conditions can be cured just by losing weight
• I’m too shy for my own good.
• True satisfaction & success is not attained without a plan
• Our President is "special"
• Spammers are the worst salesmen/women ever
• I cant wear a glove on my right hand when I'm using it.
• I think i'm cold blooded
• Police in my neighborhood are lazy fucking idiots unless its murder & ticket quota time.
• Niggas use my neighborhood to hustle & run like rats once cops come
• Its hard To handle bills when you only work 2 days every 2 weeks.
• The love of money isnt truly the root of all evil. Monopolized capitalism is.
• Sattelite radio pays the FCC
• That Oscar went to Jamie's head. I guess no more comedies...

Family Guy came back crazier than eva!

NEED I SAY MORE!?!

Pass The Chronic ~WHUT?! cels or Narnia...

I got to finally work at my company’s downtown office its no bigger than a janitor’s utility room. Even though I have no problem walking it was cool that the client was a block away. After that was finished I walked strait to Pockets for lunch. This is what im talking bout! My manager had some words for me and it seems like I’m making more mistakes which I have to be more cautious and aware of what I do. I aint trying to lose what I just got.

My co-worker took me for a trip to the Southside and riding down Stony Island I saw a White lady walking a dog. I thought I’d never see the day. He stopped by a friend of his and warned him about me (I’m bringing a giant with me, heh) it was all good. I sat by and absorbed game from the both of them. There both aspiring producers and I always wanted to become a producer or dj (whichever comes first.) What bugged me out was that the brotha looked like he was 29 may 32 at the most but he was 44! I asked what I need to do to become like him. He doesn’t eat meat (strike one) He doesn’t drink either (strike two) I didn’t need to hear any more. Aw well.

For some reason I now want a Sirius radio receiver. I’ve been looking up the shit all day. I’m gonna get a new mp3 player in the next few months as well. (Either an iPod video or a Creative Zen Vision: M 60 GB) and I wish there was a way to combine the two but I feel that’s far off than we can expect.

I’m gonna start buying a piece of clothing a week for my job and im in need of new slacks.

My Pops B-day was yesterday I left him a message and figgured he was being taken out by one of his ladies. Then he dropped the TMI that he was trying to keep her at his place... LAWD! Its still kinds funny after all these years that me and my parents have our birthdays on the same month. One down, guess who's next?

My bro got him a new girl to call him I hope she’s the one for him but she plays on my phone. It pisses me off doing childish shit like hanging up when I pick up the phone. My bro claims that her cell phone doesn’t work cuz she does it to him. My question then was why does she keep using it? Her mother won’t let her use the home phone at certain hours. I hope that’s the truth and I apologized for cussing her out because of it. Now when I do hear her voice she gets all nice and polite asking me “how am I”? I don’t even know her name. A simple hello before asking anything would suit me fine.

She’s back in my life again. I couldn’t get her out of my mind and she’s back again. I’m back to making plans to come out to see her and I feel it’s only gonna end up with me hurt again. I never claimed I knew anything about love but at the same time if we do become a couple; I could end up doing stuff I already said many times I wouldn’t do. What you know bout it?

1. Woke up at my usual time, but not as groggy
2. Watched the news for 10 minutes before getting up; thankful that the weather will be good today. Perfect present 4 me! I hope to enjoy some of it before dark.
3. Said a little prayer to thank the most high for helping me live this long
4. Put on my hygiene & my clothes
5. Put up my phone and saw that my moms called while I was in the bathroom
6. Checked my bank account to see I haven’t been paid yet. DAMN! No Portilillos!
7. Rode out to work
8. Decided to turn off Mancow and rocked Luke’s “Its your Birthday” off my Lyra before arriving at work
9. Also thought about the Playa track off Timbaland’s album.
10. Parked kinda crooked to avoid the geese shit lying around everywhere.
11. Walked into the office and started typing
12. Just realized I didn’t take my vitamin, Claritin or antacids today.
13. Expecting 6 people to call me today: Moms, Dad, Brother, Katisha, Vee & Michelle. Minus 2 I’m feeling.
14. Wish it was Friday so I could drink.
15. I know my brother’s gonna ask me that when he calls.
16. Gotta try to save my money for my moms’ b-day in 2 weeks I know she’s gonna want something big now that I’m working.
17. I’ll send ‘chelle flowers over the weekend. That’ll make her melt. 
18. Cuz had the dope idea to type out ya thoughts for the day.
19. Thx Paul Wall & Nelly for making Grillz a new fad now. Any muhfuggas that rock them deserves to get robbed.
20. So Bumpy J robbed a label mate and fucked up his deal at the same time. Explains why I haven’t heard shit from him lately. Thought he was gonna blow this year.
21. No I.D’s an A&R for Jermaine Dupree?! Wow.
22. Learned about a program that kills the hard drive and wipe it clean. I’ll take it don’t think I’ll ever use it.
23. Co-worker’s hooking me up with Certification practice tests. I gotta remember to hook him up with web templates I got.
24. Slow ass day as usual. Just how I like it.
25. Combing my hair in the washroom I saw a white piece of lint in my right temple.
26. The lint wouldn’t come out
27. OMFG! It’s a grey hair!
28. And another one!
29. I’m too young for this shit!
30. Better that I still have my hair than to lose it at an early age like my fam on my fathers’ side.
31. These new powder “just add water & shake” drinks are nice & quick but there either too bland or too sweet for me.
32. Gonna cop me some gourmet popcorn. Cheese, White cheddar, Barbecue & Nacho!
33. Found some Tylenol Sinus & 2 acid reducer pills in my book bag. Glad I brought it!
34. Should I get a Chocolate Peanut Butter cup pie or Oreo?
35. I got my Pie! it was that FIRE!!!
36. 3 hours left
37. STILL HAVENT GOTTEN PAID!
38. Guess I’ll rock Whoppers tonight and then Portillos & Harolds on the weekend!
39. Now I want sumthin from the Cheesecake Factory.
40. Got a call from everyone but K & my bro!
41. Had to settle for White Castle for My birthday dinner.
42. Feel like doing my own bad boy birthday line
43. Matter of fact im gonna!
44. I’ll write it out
45. It may sound lame & sad im doing it for myself to myself.
46. I don’t give a fuck!

Excuse me while I ill out for a moment.

Name three songs that have the word "rain" or "water" in the title.

Mary J. blige - Everyday it rains
Xzibit ft. The Liks - Let it Rain
Milli Vanilli - Blame it on the Rain
Prince - Purple Rain
Peter Gabriel - Red Rain
Jill Scott - Love Rain
Eurythmics - Here comes the Rain again
SWV - Rain Down on me
New Edition - Can you stand the rain
Boys II Men - Water runs dry
De La Soul - Tread Water
Raekwon - Ice water

I was on a roll again!

You're a movie producer, and you need a soundtrack for a weather scene. Pick songs that you think would fit with the following pieces of action:

a) Clouds coming in
NoI.D. ft. Dug Infinite - Sky's the Limit or Big Mike ft. III - Grey Skies

b) Rain starts to fall, wind starts to blow
Outkast - Chonkyfire or Art of Storytelling pt.2

c) Sun finally comes along and makes everything better again
The Perceptionists - Breathe in the sun or Pete Rock & C.L. Smooth - Escape

Putting all my thoughts down of last week as a list.

1. I’m going to hold off on those flowers for chelle’ she acting funny style.
2. Cold stone got that bomb ice cream
3. My copy of Tom Yum Goong wont show subs on my computer
4. Guess I’ll have to rock it on my x-box
5. These Indian women be having some cool interesting names, I try to ask their race but they wont tell
me. I guess cuz im not one of them.
6. I’m gonna need a power purge on my ride sooner than I thought.
7. My bro calls his “girl” snowflake! LMAO
8. Why won’t he bring her over?
9. She must turn to stone at night…
10. Got my moms curious about her now she wants to know about her.
11. I told her it’s no use since he’ll only lie to keep you out his personal life.
12. Yep 24 going on 16
13. my moms comp is fugged up w/ malware
14. It’s so screwed that none of the programs wont open, unless in safe mode.
15. I won’t have time or energy to repair till the weekend.
16. K finally called and apologized refutably
17. I accepted her apology and forgave her
18. although she kept pushing because she thinks my tone of voice says otherwise
19. I gotta stop taking this Horny goat weed
20. A pill as day makes the porn come out to play. Lol
21. I bought 2 action figures at Kay-Bee on clearance; I’m going to put them up on eBay soon.
22. Along with my other shit I wanna sell too.
23. I’m expecting 4 W2 forms for last year.
24. I only got one so far
25. Where the rest at?
26. Bought some jolly ranchers to bring to work.
27. Keep them in a bowl on my desk.
28. gotta get to walmart for some raid defoggers
29. I’m going to war on these bastards
30. What a segue huh?
31. damn its been a month without playing anything
32. Samurai Showdown 4 is coming out soon enough
33. that’ll bring me back 4’sho!
34. using veggie oil to try and remove some old stickers
35. it aint working
36. Do I have to drown the damn thing?
37. guess I’ll have to buy some 90% rubbing Alcohol

Guess thats it...

I saw it coming, but I didn’t expect it to be this soon. My manager and Pres sat me down and let me know I was laid off due to lack of work. I hoped it wasn’t because of me. I packed my shit up and my bowl of Jolly Ranchers and got to stepping. My co-workers all said goodbye to me and that they knew already. As I drove home, I went through a variety of emotions and rock music from Simply Red – Holding back the years to Nas’ Made you look remix till my ears rang. Parked in my ride and told my bro and moms the bad news. Aw well, back to teaching.

Now that a brothers at full circle again, I wonder if this year will be a good one. So far it’s sucking a big fat one. I’m not trying to get depressed and move on and try to make something happen. I need to prove to everyone around me that I am the #1 man. I’m going to reassess my goals and then attack them like never before. These years are like a tight little opening and I got to augment my wedge to break through. I’m going to find a way. I went to my school and asked the Administrator is there are any more openings and she let me know I’m too late for that. What’s worse is that im much too late for registering for school. Subbing is now going to be my only way to survive now. Next week, im going to apply to a few more districts and go for unemployment if I can get anything since I owe them money. Now that I’m unemployed again I’m ready to throw the women I’m talking to, to the side. I stand by the saying “romance with no finance is a damn nuisance” HA! But let me keep it real with myself that there really is nobody; it’s always been 99 problems and a broad aint... Well you know.  I’m gonna spend this weekend creating a Myspace page, working on my Cuz music site (finally) and trying to fix my moms computer. finally get my ebay site running selling all my shit i dont need no more. Yep, that's the plan.

I found the crack of the Internet and it is myspace.com. That shit is addictive. This past week I've been linking up with as many rappers as I could find on the site. I will eventually have to get off of it. And take some responsibility for the things I'd need to do. Tomorrow I'm heading to the school district and asked them to put me on the active list again. I've also field for unemployment and I will get a letter next week. If I will be able to get anything remains to be seen but let's pray that I do. In the mean time I got an Interview next week nearby. The Interview I got this week went well. I just hope something comes out of it.

Out of frustration, I decided to take a trip to Naperville. I stepped in comp USA, and I started to buy an itunes prepay card. After spending a good 40 minutes in the store and being bothered by the three workers who I suspected were watching me, I put the card back. As I went for the exit 1 of the workers stopped me. He asked me where I put the card. I felt I should have been offended, I mean at the time I was the only black male in the store. Why were they treating different than the other customers? Realizing where I was I decided to keep cool and I tell them. As a matter of fact I was ready to empty my pockets right in front of him to prove I didn't steal shit. The nerve of dude. Living in one of the most segregated cities in America, I should be used in this. But deep inside I still feel hurt when crap like that happens. Maybe it was just imagining and took things the wrong way.

I can't believe it. We talked for five hours straight. we've known each other for a good 3 years now off and on and its finally coming to a head. It was then on this night that I confessed my feelings for her. I can't believe I did that. I knew that I had to on account of telling her in any other way just wouldn't do. Now that I've done this I feel she's lower my defenses and now I am vulnerable. When this happens I expect only the worst and because of past baggage that I carry which is unfair to her, I'm now more paranoid than ever. My friends want me to stay on my guard, and I listen to them. Like I said before I hate using the word love because I don't understand it. I can’t say I’ve truly ever experienced it But to express my affection for her, I couldn't help but say it. I can’t believe I did it. Inside my mind I'm telling myself what the fuck just happened? Was this a wise move? Will she trample on me like other have in the past? Now my feelings are out in the open, my wall & shield have lowered and what armor I have left upon me will have to protect me from any possible full frontal attack. What I do know is I’m ready to explore that word with her and that surely pray that she doesn't abuse them. Damn, I can't believe I did it. (gulp)