A Bitter View

I can't believe it. We talked for five hours straight. we've known each other for a good 3 years now off and on and its finally coming to a head. It was then on this night that I confessed my feelings for her. I can't believe I did that. I knew that I had to on account of telling her in any other way just wouldn't do. Now that I've done this I feel she's lower my defenses and now I am vulnerable. When this happens I expect only the worst and because of past baggage that I carry which is unfair to her, I'm now more paranoid than ever. My friends want me to stay on my guard, and I listen to them. Like I said before I hate using the word love because I don't understand it. I can’t say I’ve truly ever experienced it But to express my affection for her, I couldn't help but say it. I can’t believe I did it. Inside my mind I'm telling myself what the fuck just happened? Was this a wise move? Will she trample on me like other have in the past? Now my feelings are out in the open, my wall & shield have lowered and what armor I have left upon me will have to protect me from any possible full frontal attack. What I do know is I’m ready to explore that word with her and that surely pray that she doesn't abuse them. Damn, I can't believe I did it. (gulp)