A Bitter View

Here's some more real shit I wrote.

No more Mr Nice Guy.

Y’see all my life I have been called a punk, a chump, an all out pussy. Bullies used to hit me constantly because I wouldn’t hit back. People used to call me all kinds of names because I wouldn’t say anything back. All my life I’ve let people run over me for the sake of avoiding conflict. I did this for 2 reasons. The first being that I couldn’t fight, I realized this years ago. I wasn’t a fighter. I needed another edge and I never found it. The second, being that I was always the example when I did speak up for myself. I was the one reprimanded, fired, or whatever.

I’ve been told time and time again I have to find a middle ground. Well I don’t believe in a middle ground. I feel you gotta go all out or don’t go at all. I feel there is no good way to get your point across that you won’t put up with shit without taking extreme action for it. I know that doing this backfires for me 90% of the time. I am so sick of losing.

This side of me has also shown in teaching. I’m so tired of the old ass staff claiming that I’m “scared of the big kids.” I feel that I lost a permanent job because of their view. I’m a fucking sub, when I step into the classroom the odds are against me. It’s frustrating. I’m too much of a gentle giant and its killing me inside.

Today because of my brother, my gf wasn’t able to reach me and she became angry. At first I felt she shouldn’t be but now I feel she had every right to be. She was calling long distance. I told him when she calls let me talk to her. He refused and because of that she called me passive. I’ll be damned if my own woman calls me a bitch. I felt a knot in my chest & stomach. The feeling and the past experiences caused me to break down in tears. I never claimed to be a soldier, never was a thug. I realized in this city I can’t be Gandhi and ultimately Being Idi Amin would get me killed. A more assertive personality change is in order. I had to put my foot down more and it began today. Now my brother thinks i'm gonna kill him. good. I WILL fuck him up and anybody else that pisses me off from now on. I'm going to war. F.T.W. I’m tired of taking bullshit.