A Bitter View

"Daddy save me from this ugly scary black man!"

"Glad it isnt me!"

Happy B-day Mike.

Out of pocket is a term we in the chi (don't know if anyone else uses it) use when we do or say something that was out of line, uncalled for, etc. I’ve said a few things to people who care about me things out of pocket and most of the time I realize it. Then there are time I could give a fuck less, I guess that’s the dark side of me basting its juices. Anyway this term come to me today because I feel I was for a moment.

When I worked at the dollar store; There was a co-worker named Francine. She has been at the store since it opened back in the late 80’s. She always did her thing and didn’t complain, for my tastes a little too docile. Anyway for someone being there that long I figured she would be considered for manager but never made the promotion.

After I left the place (quit that is) she stayed and over the years every time I came back to the place the workers change but she stays! The only constant. It puzzled the hell outta me. Just today I needed to get some of that generic oxy-clean that they sell (can't afford the real stuff). There she was as usual at her cash register. I didn’t know if she remembered me but I had to say something I’ve been curious for years seeing her there. I mean, she should know the store like the back of her hand. Once she ran my thang through I asked “Fran, Are you manager yet!?” after hearing that her face dropped and then slightly turned to the register for a second as if to say “rub it in huh, muthafugga!” then she replied “No, but I want to be!” Think about that look I wonder, was that something I should’ve asked? Maybe I should’ve left it alone knowing how words can affect someone. I think she was probably scared of success. A nice number of people are. Aw well, regardless I got my answer.

Yahoo, starting their own online Tivo system. Interesting.

Dude created a makeshift Air conditioner for under 30 bucks. After looking at it I’d rather sweat my summer off.

Colleges striking deals for music downloads for their students. And they’ve been refusing? WTF?!

Wizard world is just around the corner. I pray I can go this year, with cash in hand.

The Interview is rescheduled! It’s on and I’m gonna land it! Yeah I said it! I’m gearing up trying to put myself in the right mind state. I’m in to win it, no question about that.

After seeing a documentary on Wal*Mart, and reading a site about the shady dealing of the oglopoly it is. I’m now trying not to shop there again. The cheap prices make it hard on a brotha though. I didn’t know the half. Now I know why people boycott and protest it once it comes into town.

Jacked from PhillyBred

1. If you could be doing what you really want to be doing for a living, what would it be?
Create a business that generates money while do little but monitor sit on my arse and get fatter.

2. If you could slap the shit out of any famous person, alive or dead, who would it be?
I’d steal on tupac for messing up the image of a black man and having dudes like me strike out.

3. What’s the dumbest decision you’ve made in the past 5 years?
Quitting a job for a year before jumping in another one.

4. Give up one for a year: (good) sex or (good) music.
It would have to be sex and besides its been 6 years for me anyway (No shame) so im practically living this question.

5. Dudes, would you rather have a big dick or a great sense of humor?
I learned that a way to a woman’s heart is to make her laugh, so a sense of humor will be more satisfying to her than a big package any day.

6. So you’ve been invited to an all expense paid Blogger Prom in the Bahamas. You’re sitting at the bar on the beach. Which blogger do you want to join you for hours of good convo?
I have no idea. If im out side then it wont be for long. Who ever want me get at me at the indoor bar.

7. Which blogger would you most like to cuddle with on the beach? (and don’t defer to your current significant other either. Infidelity won’t count against you. Duh.)
Myself, cuz im used to it and im good at it. Just gimme a damn pillow. Lol

8. You’re going on a 5 hour road trip…which 5 CDs do you bring?
Short Trip:

Long Trip:
1. Jamiroquai - Traveling without moving
2. Cunninlynguists - Will Rap for food
3. Common - Like Water For chocolate
4. O.C. - Jewels
5. A Tribe Called Quest - People Instincive travels & the Paths of Rythym

9. Would you rather bury your children young or have your children bury you young?
Both are out the question for me. I don’t see myself having any. I still gotta be deemed fuckable. Lol

10. What's your biggest insecurity?
Only my family and two other people truly know. Maybe I’ll share it once I get the courage to.

Thank you Miss Dash!

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Ladies, start hating. Dudes gawk wit me!
I always thought of you as an untouchable cutie the kind that would never give a dude like I the time of day; but now seeing you nekid in playboy, I'D KNOCK THE DUST OFF THAT...

Ahem.

Yeah, you fine. :D

In this day and age of remakes, which we have nobody to blame but us for letting them continue this trend. A live action Transformers the movie (directed by Michael Bay) is now in the works. Fans of the series and nonstalgia fans are looking forward to it. Unfortunatly it wont be based on any version of the tunes at all. No Generation One We all grew up with. I figgured that anyway, I know nowadays they wouldnt let Megatron become a Gun. Instead he will become a helicopter. I figured he'd be something more potent but I guess not.

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This pimped out camaro will be non other than (brace yourselves...) Bumblebee. Im not digging it already but at least the color is the same. I guess VW wouldnt let them use a model.

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This is one of the decepticons that will be featured. Dont know his name yet but what was done with the ride is tight.

Now all we gotta do is wait for the displays of Devastator (tank w/o Constructicons) Optimus (Fire Truck) & Starscream and see what they'll be.

Billy Danze of M.O.P. defined himself in the music industry by saying “I’m not a rapper; I’m just a man who’s good with words.” I respect that about the brotha. I bring this up because of my view on being called a computer geek which I was called recently. I feel I know a lot and that’s because I read up on stuff and try what I read. Having an interest is cool too. Yeah I know a lot about multimedia programs, I know a lot about computer hardware. I don’t consider myself an all out guru. I’m not a true geek, I just know my way around computers. There are some things even I don’t know. Yet.

Jack this from N-Retrospekt

anger
1. Who did you last get angry with? My brother
2. What is your weapon of choice? My craziness
3. Would you hit a member of the opposite sex? Hit like man, GET HIT like a man.
4. How about of the same sex? Yes.
5. Who was the last person who got really angry at you? Don’t know, don’t care.
6. What is your pet peeve? People who beg too much..
7. Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily? I’m learning to let go. but if need be I throw that all away for instant justice.

sloth
1. What is one thing you’re supposed to do daily that you haven’t done in a long time? Drink water.
2. What is the latest you’ve ever woken up? 2 P.M.
3. Who have you been meaning to contact, but haven’t? My boy Wallace.
4. What is the last lame excuse you made? “No”
5. Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through (one of the long ones)? No.
6. How many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock today? Once.

gluttony
1. What is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice? Minute Maid Cherry Limonade.
2. Meat eaters are…: Carnivores?.
3. What is the greatest amount of alcohol you’ve had in one sitting/outing/event? Bottle of Pinapple Rum w/ Sierra mist. Good times!
4. Have you ever used a professional diet company? Yes.
5. Do you prefer sweets, salty foods or spicy foods? Sweets.

lust
1. How many people have you seen completely naked (not counting movies/family)? None.
2. How many people have seen you completely naked (not counting physicians/family)? None.
3. Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a member of your gender of choice during a normal conversation? Yea.
4. What is your favorite body part on a person of your gender of choice? Ass.
5. Have you ever been made a proposition by a prostitute? No.
6. Have you ever had to get tested for an STD or pregnancy? No.
7. Is love at first sight really lust? Not for me.

greed
1. How many credit cards do you own? One.
2. What’s your guilty pleasure store? Tiger Direct.
3. If you had $1 million, what would you do with it? Buy a Home & car, Purchase a franchise, Pay off debts. Invest the rest.
4. Would you rather be rich or famous? Rich. The more money you have nowadays the more famous you become.
5. Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks? Sure, I’d find ways to keep busy..
6. Have you ever stolen anything? Not deliberatly.
7. How many mp3s are on your hard drive? A shitload.

pride
1. What is one thing you have done that you’re most proud of? Being the first male on both sides of my family to get a bachelors degree.
2. What’s one thing you’ve done that your parents are most proud of? I would think graduating college
3. What thing would you like to accomplish in your life? Become Financialy secure and savvy
4. Do you get annoyed by coming in second place? No.
5. Have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were of much higher skill than all the other competitors? I’ve considered it..
6. Have you ever cheated on something to get a higher score? Uh huh!.
7. What did you do today that you’re proud of? Complete this meme.

envy
1. What item (or person) of your friends would you most want to have for yourself? Nothing comes to mind.
2. Who would you want to go on Trading Spaces with? No one.
3. If you could be anyone else in the world, who would you be? Nobody comes to mind.
4. Have you ever been cheated on? No. Women don’t give me a chance to be cheated on. lol
5. Have you ever cheated? No.

My partner in my film class gave me a little game in the library. He explained how his brother was so good with words if someone was asking him for money he’d turn it around and makes them give him money. That shit seems far fetched but at the same time I can believe it. I let him know about my interview Tuesday afternoon and he basically told me that if I truly want it to not take “no” for an answer. Even when it came to approaching a woman, continue through the disses and the no till you wear her down. I didn’t see the logic in that. It was then he segued into the interview again and how I should approach it once I get the 2nd interview. Behind us was a cute young librarian updating the monthly magazines. He turns to her and says “Aint that right miss?” Of course she wasn’t paying attention and when she turned to him she cracked a smile and replied “I don’t know what im saying right too”. He then gives her a 2 minute briefing on us and out project that we’re working on. She dug it and then left to get more magazines. He then tells me “And that’s how you open up to a stranger” then a minute later she return and hands him a card. “I’d like to know more, call me some time so we can chat about it.” He replies “I’m definitely gonna call!” As quick as that transaction when I was impressed; I wondered if I could do the same.

When I got home I hit my self-help book on starting conversation. I realize convo/communication with the opposite sex is something I need work on. I'm told I come off cold and mysterious and not the interesting kind. Eventually I’ll put my knowledge from these books to use and see how it works out. Also talking what my partner said im not about wearing a lady down so that she’ll give me a number because that number can be a wrong one just to get you away from her. I’ve watched many ways dudes approach ladies and out of my observation there’s no real wrong way. It all depends on her mood. My lab manager favorite ice breaker is a plain old “what’s up!” he’s a talkative dude but at the same time the fool got green eyes so I realize ladies like shit like that. Another dude I talk to a lot is this cat what makes me want to apologize to ladies because his ice breakers begin with “Pssst” or “Excuse me” the first one makes me wanna cop block him on purpose. He always strikes out anyway so I guess I have nothing to worry about. If there’s anything to admire then it would be the fact that he isn’t that attractive but his confidence is high. I realize if a man were to ask out 50 women he’s lucky to get more than one number. He takes this in stride and continues. Good for him.

A homie of mine recently broke up with his girl; He’s a comic book geek (I can say that about myself) like me. He was a lucky gentleman to have had a girlfriend that like the same stuff he did. Now their broken up, He fears he wont find another woman who will be at least open-minded about his hobbies. He feels after 3 rejections, it aint worth it. I feel the same way, my father told me he’s like that as well (thank goodness he works at a place where the woman ratio to men is 2 to 1) hell, a lot of men do. I know now that a lot of men have to be built for rejection. Women can’t handle rejection Like men can which is why a lot don’t do the approaching but they always have a new man lined up to be with once the current is out the picture. What I’ve also observed is the act is similar to interview to jobs. You try to give it your all and muster faux confidence on the exterior; deep inside your wondering if you have a chance. The real you doesn’t come out till you know you’ve landed it. What I’m saying is approaching it something im learning but not yet doing. As my confidence builds the more rejection will be more of me saying “iight cool, it’s been one!” than “Man, Fuck All ya’ll”

1. What about you makes you unique?
I'm big & tall and creative without a lick of athletic talent! psyche! Killyaself!
2. What aspect of your physical appearance do you think makes you stick out from the crowd?
My height what else? My hat iz like a sharks fin! lol
3. What do you always have with you while out in public? (for example, earrings, purse, wallet, watch, etc.)
If nothing else, i'm always rocking a Cap.
4. Is there anything about your body that you think isn't normal?
Again, this is one of my Insecurities that I'll eventually disscuss once im ready to.
5. What are you complimented on (looks, smarts, anything) the most? Why do you think that's the case?
A little of both, My smarts on various subjects and my height especially.

Name the last person you...

1. Hugged: Crystal
2. Smiled at: A cute female who walked by me
3. Deceived: Nobody comes to mind.
4. Glared at: Cute light skinned female in the lab with tight pants on.
5. Lusted after: That same female, but no moves were made.

1. Name 3 things you are fortunate for today.
My Life, My family, My future opportunites
2. Is there any one person in your life that you feel fortunate to have met?
Can't say there isnt any that comes to mind.
3. How do you make yourself see all the fortunate things in life when things aren’t going so well for you?
I'm learning to roll with the punches and continue to compliment myself instead of putting myself down.

Top 5 songs you're ashamed to admit that you like:
Black Eyed Peas - My Humps
3 6 Mafia - Stay Fly
Chris Brown - Yo (excuse me miss)
Chamillionare - Ridin dirty
Sean Paul - Tempature

Jacked from Luke Cage
Choose a band / artist and answer ONLY in titles of their songs..

1. Artist – Jungle Brothers

2. Are you male or female: "Black man on track"
3. Describe yourself: "Jungle Brother (True Blue)"
4. How do some people feel about you: Beyond This World
5. How do you feel about yourself: "40 Below Trooper"
6. Ex boyfriends/girlfriends: "Love & Hate”
7. Current boyfriend/girlfriend/crush: None but i will "In Dayz 2 Come"
8. Describe where you want to be: "Gettin' Money"
9. Describe where you live? "Straight Out The Jungle"
10. Describe how you live: "Kool Accordin' 2 A Jungle Brother"
11. What would you ask for if you had just one wish: Let a brotha have "Good Newz Comin'"
12. Share a few words of Wisdom: "Acknowledge Your History"
13. Any general advice: "Black Is Black"
14. Share a favorite pickup line: "Something About Cha"
15. And if that one doesn't work: "My Jimmy Weighs A Ton"
16. What secondary school do/did you attend: My diploma in street smarts "Done By The Forces Of Nature"
17. Pepsi or coke: Both "Simple As That"
18. Any pets? Had one his name was the opposite of "Sunshine"
19. Favourite food: " Candy"
20. Do you drink? If ya got some liquor i'll be "Feelin' Alright"
21. Say goodbye: "Good Lookin' Out"

Ice Cube, Rakim , Afrika Bambattaa, Beastie Boys, Easy E, Russell Simmons & MC Lyte gets inducted into VH1's Hip Hop Honors. Got a feeling this may be one of the last with that many at inductees at once.

Wal-Mart decided to start up their own myspace site. Here a good question: WHY?!

Because of the rise of zinc a bill is being passed to try to kill the penny and round off every price to a nickle instead. I feel it still wont fly.

The company hasnt called yet. to fight negativity I'm trying to give the benefit of the doubt. I'm told it will be 2 weeks before im contacted i'll give it such.

My ride yester went nuts when i tried to turn on the A/C I had to ride the train to get the school. I took it for a test again once i got home and it ran smoothly. I guess it was overheated. I plan to put it in the shop by the end of next week.

A artist who went to the San-Diego Comic con did a guide to all the type of geeks you'd meet at a convention. Its funny becasue i've seen those types over here.

K had a little question for me which made me analyze myself for a moment. She knows I have skills when it comes to the computer. She’s the main person to encourage me to run my own business when these companies won’t hire me. I usually shrug off the question with an 'I don’t know'.

Just last night she asked me what is it that keeps me from doing it and taking advantage of my life & opportunity. I realize my main obstacle is myself. I felt in truth it wasn’t the fear of success that kept me down it was the fear of not being successful that keeps me from acting. It’s something that sticks inside of my head that tells me that my skills are no different than any other person. Nowadays, people got people who can do ish like me. I wonder how can I get them over to my side and see what I can do for them. I’m not a real sales person, what chance would I have? I guess its negativity rearing its fugly head.

I took one of her suggestions to heart and decided to write down all my skills. I put all the talents I could do today first. Then I wrote others that I would need assistance or extra equipment. My 2nd step is to get off my ass and shake off my best friend Mr. Procrastination and do some projects I’ve been putting off. Creating an official business card will be one of the things I’ll complete. My 3rd step in my plans is to create a life business plan. I took this idea from India Arie. She explained that having a B plan for life will help become goal oriented and keep you away from those that make you stray.

There is more I want to do but I’m going to start with these 3 in the next 5-10 days. What it comes down to is I need to get my hunger back. I’ve developed too much hopelessness within me to get much of it back, so I’m gonna fight through it.

the first thing I did was enter the Ms. Jackson (cuz i'm nasty!) album cover contest. I created 3 then i found out they'll only accept one. I decided to go with the third. Its clean and simple and thats what i'm about.

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Peep & while ya at it, Rate/Vote for me!

My 2nd project is that I brought back Blend City to life and brainstormed on ways to make passive profit on it. First I gotta let people know it updated!

My next project will focus on a site I created at the spur of the moment and didnt think through called Myspace Rip I created it based on the imposter sites i see on myspace. the idea fell through and i'm gonna sell it through ebay but first im gonna try to make a profit off it as well.

I'm gonna bust out a pro bono site for someone and get started on working on my business card. Create a new layout for my myspace page (and promote myself as well) I'll also help out my gurl Vee who wants a MS page once thats done.

Everything one day at a time.

I remember me and my boys were coolin at our school lounge and we were talking bout females (hoes to some, bitches to others, broads to me) and we were discussing one particular female that hung out with us. She had a sister that was crazy because a few dudes used her as a bustdown (whut we in the Chi call out particular fuck buddies) and she ends up having feelings but they don’t. Anyway, my boy Yul said something that at the time we didn’t believe; “Her sister looks better than she does (yeah he was bogus like that), A dude in a relationship with her will put up with her just to keep hitting it.”

The majority of us (and we were 12 deep) were like hell naw! He stood his ground by saying there’s more shit you’ll take from a broad if she’s fine or got dat good monkey! Now that im older, I realize how we’re all caught up on beauty cuz we all trying to get the best we can get. I notice that shit is true. It’s the same thing with women as well. As long as the dude lays the pipe well, got money or is fine (women hate competition). She’ll stick with him longer. I feel that’s a shift in power. It’s when one person in a relationship has more pull than the other. It’s a shift because when the couple breaks up we see who cared for whom more by who breaks down and cries first. I feel it’s an interesting thing, a subject about relationships people don’t talk about. Why do we do it to ourselves? We lower our self respect for ourselves just to stay in an eventually dying relationship that could be squashed quickly. Even a conclusion is up in the air; I can’t see any other remedy other than finding someone you’re not attracted to hold your position of power.

I feel overwhelmed for some reason...

I got my Myspace resource site. I'm bulding & Investing at the same time with this. Trying to make it a one stop shop.

I'll put up the link later. I may hire people to create layouts to be original. I dont think i can do it all myself.

I've had 2 Interviews this week. One on Wednsday and the other was today. I felt i did better today than yesterday, I was up against 7 people at one time asking questions. I was stumbling over my words, imtimidated. I guess that's what true pressure is like. The 2nd interview was short, I hate to be negative but it doesnt feel like i'll get a 2nd interview from that one.

The semester is about to come to a close. I was hoping to land a job before that, but i dont see it happening. I hope i'm proven wrong.

One of my instructors really hit a nerve with me.
In her class we discussed how corporate america is in the hands of the baby boom generation who wont retire. She calls them the "good ol' boys" Now i'm the only black male in the classroom and my classmates: the women there were saying how these good ol' boys were childish and scared to reliquish their reigns. at first I took offence thinking it was men in general. Thats when my instructor told me: Your a black male, you'll never be in that type of power position. At first, i threw it over my shoulder but as the week went by I wanted to say HEY! Why can't we be? Is it because most black men are in blue collar type of jobs? I dont know.
she didnt mean anything by it in fact she was correct. It just bothered me.